Proverbs 31 Ministries - Bringing God's peace, perspective, and purpose to today's busy woman

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Do you ever wonder how God's peace, perspective and purpose will find its way into your busy life? We know how you feel. So, we created "Everyday Life" as an extension of our radio and magazine ministry to encourage you in the many roles and relationships you have. You'll find articles and resources under each topic. So, pull up a cozy chair and stay for a while. And let us know what God is doing in your everyday life, we'd love to hear from you!

This Month's Feature Articles:

Overcoming Perfectionism
By Rachel Olsen

Do you feel most of what you do is never quite good enough?
Do you avoid starting tasks for worry you'll fail?
Do you think "average" is an ugly word?
If so, rather than working toward success, you are probably trying to be flawless from start to finish. It's likely you are plagued by perfectionism.

I know; I've been there.

Perfectionism refers to a set of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors aimed at reaching excessively high or unrealistic goals. Mistakenly believed necessary for success, perfectionism is often detrimental. It can rob us of a sense of personal satisfaction or achievement, damage our relationships, and prevent us from reaching our potential.
In fact, research shows women who demand perfection from themselves often achieve less than women with more realistic strivings. Surprised?

Causes of Perfectionism

A number of negative thoughts, feelings, and beliefs can drive our perfectionistic tendencies:

Fear of failure. Perfectionists often equate failure to achieve with a lack of personal worth or value. (God tells us we have value because we are made by Him, in His image, for His plans and pleasure.)

Fear of making mistakes. Perfectionists often equate mistakes with failure - and therefore, with a lack of personal worth. In orienting their lives around avoiding mistakes, perfectionists miss opportunities to learn and grow.

Fear of disapproval. Perfectionists often believe if they let others see their flaws, they will no longer be accepted. Trying to be perfect is a way of trying to avoid criticism, disapproval, and rejection. (Christ was criticized, disapproved of, and rejected - and He was truly perfect.)

All-or-none thinking. Perfectionists frequently believe they are failures if their accomplishments are not perfect from start to finish. Every part must be flawless. They deny the learning curve and discount the process of "failing forward."

Belief that others are easily successful. Perfectionists tend to perceive others as achieving success with a minimum of effort, few or no errors, little emotional stress, and maximum self-confidence. This of course is inaccurate. At the same time, perfectionists view their own efforts and confidence as uncommonly inadequate.

A Harmful Cycle

Perfectionistic attitudes start a frustrating cycle in motion. First, perfectionists set unreachable goals based on unrealistic expectations. Second, they fail to meet their often well-out-of-reach goals. Third, they become anxious and self-critical over their failure. Finally, rather than realizing the true problem, they demand a perfect performance next time or avoid the pursuit entirely.

Also, without realizing it, perfectionists can apply their unrealistically high standards to others, becoming critical and demanding. Their frequent lack of grace damages their relationships. Furthermore, perfectionists may avoid letting people see their mistakes, not realizing that self-disclosure allows others to perceive them as more human and thus more likeable. Because of this, perfectionists often have difficulty being close to people and they create unsatisfying relationships - which only confirms in their mind their lack of value or their need to strive harder.

What to do About Perfectionism

The first step in moving from a performance-based attitude of perfectionism to a grace-based attitude of healthy striving and dependence on Christ is to realize that perfection, instantly or in everything, is simply unattainable. And the pursuit of it is counterproductive.

The next step is to challenge the self-defeating thoughts and behaviors that fuel your perfectionism. Some of the following strategies - many outlined by the counseling center at the University of Illinois - may help:

Set realistic, reachable goals based on what you have accomplished in the past. This will enable you to rein in unrealistic expectations and experience the satisfaction of achievement.

Set subsequent goals in a sequential manner. As you reach a goal, set your next goal one step beyond your present level of accomplishment.

Relax your standards for success. Choose any activity and instead of aiming for 100 percent, try for 90 percent, 80 percent, or even 70 percent success. This will help you to realize that the world does not end when you are less than perfect.

Learn to discriminate the tasks you want to give high priority to from those tasks that are less important to you. On less important tasks, choose to put forth less effort in favor of increased rest and emotional stability.

Focus on the process of doing an activity, not just on the end result. Evaluate your success not only in terms of what you accomplished but also in terms of how you accomplished it. Did you remain calm? Did you learn something new along the way? Did you enjoy the process?

Use feelings of anxiety and depression as opportunities to ask yourself, "Have I set impossible expectations for myself in this situation?"

Confront the fears that may be behind your perfectionism by asking yourself, "What am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that could happen?"

Recall a recent mistake you made and list all the things you can learn from it. Mistakes are powerful learning tools.

Pray daily, giving your stresses and to-do list to Christ to oversee. Remember that His priority is your character and relationships over your accomplishments.
As perfectionists, we've come to believe our value - in God's or other people's eyes - is irrevocably linked to our performance. In a quest to be accepted and loved, we set out to be flawless. This is both unnecessary and unproductive.

So pull out a sheet of paper and write out in your own words the reasons why your perfection is unnecessary and unproductive. Don't worry if it is well-worded or commas are in the right place. And in the process, you'll begin to overcome the plague of perfectionism.

Rachel Olsen is a woman who seeks to savor life with Christ and help others find that sweet spot as well. A writer, speaker and editor with Proverbs 31 Ministries, Rachel communicates biblical truths modern women need to know. To learn more, read her recent release "It's No Secret: Revealing Divine Truths Every Woman Should Know."

Turn Your Girlfriends into Sisters
By Sallie Hagen

"I thank God every day for this group. I've never seen women share so openly and honestly."
"I've prayed to be part of something just like this."
"My husband jokes that we're the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, but he knows this group is good for me."
These comments aren't from my church's women's ministry or small group, they are from the ladies in my online group!

Have you ever wished you could be part of a small group of women that know everything about you, but love you anyway? We've all heard that small groups are where lasting relationships are formed, but how can we reap the benefits of a tight-knit small group when our hectic schedules won't allow it?

Organizing and leading an online small group is easier than you think, and it will fit right into any busy schedule, since most of the group communication is via private e-mail.
One year ago, I tried to organize a small group of friends to work through a women's devotional. Although I had no trouble finding friends who wanted to do the book together, we ran into trouble trying to pick a day and time to meet that would work for everyone.

Feeling led to move forward anyway, I came up with a plan to organize our group online, using a private e-mail group through Yahoo. Some were skeptical whether it would work, but it didn't take long for us to figure out that we had struck gold. Originally, there were six of us who knew each other only superficially, but by working through a 90-day devotional together, we were quickly able to establish trust and share our real struggles and hopes with one another.

Now, one year later, we have grown to 10 members and are working through our third devotional. We are sisters. We share everything. We lift up each other's prayers, and cry and laugh together through life's trials and joys. We have managed to get together once a quarter or so, but the majority of our communication is through e-mail posts to the group. In effect, we talk, share and pray together many times during any given week, rather than just once like a traditional small group.

Do you have a close sisterhood of friends that you can trust through life's ups and downs? Has your busy schedule kept you from joining a small group at church? Here are some tips to start your own online Christian women's small group:

Keep the group small, with no more than 6 to 10 women. This is not to be exclusive, but the quantity of e-mails might get cumbersome and you don't want anyone intimidated by sharing with too many people.

Establish ground rules. For example, my group routinely shares sensitive personal information so we have a privacy policy. Sharing others' personal concerns with others outside the group is prohibited, with the occasional exception of husbands.

Choose a scripturally sound book or devotional to study together. Consider common interests that your group may have. Choose a start date and project an end date so everyone knows what the initial commitment will be.

To allow for flexibility, consider working through daily devotionals on weekdays and allowing weekends for catch-up.

As leader, be willing to spark the discussion whenever the conversation lags.

Be real. Share your testimony and encourage others to share theirs. The earlier you do this, the quicker the communication barriers come down.

Ask everyone to share prayer requests on a periodic basis. Compile them in a private document and distribute them to the group to pray over during your individual quiet time with God.

As leader, avoid monopolizing the conversation and put others' needs first.

When delicate or painful issues arise, tread lightly and come alongside with prayer and gentle wisdom.

Plan a periodic outing together to solidify and strengthen relationships even more.

If you've been wishing your girlfriend relationships could get past superficial chatter and delve into deep and meaningful topics, I hope you'll feel led to take the first step yourself and start an online small group that will turn your girlfriends into sisters.

Sallie Hagen is a retired CPA turned full-time homeschool mom. She serves as club director for a Keepers of the Faith group, teaches literature and writing in a homeschool co-op, and leads an online Bible study group for women striving to be Proverbs 31. She and her husband John have 6 children, ages 12 to 24. Learn more at www.mypatchworklife.com.

Extend a Hand of Wholeness
Post-Abortion Healing
By Tracy Nunes

In the article, "Extend a Hand of Wholeness" we took some baby steps into understanding the issue of post abortion healing and why it should matter to the body of Christ. Let's take that a bit further and talk about the "How."

Our Words: Be aware of words like "killer," and "murderer," when referring to abortion. While we can't step away from calling it the sin that it is, we need to remember that even as the baby rests in Heaven with Jesus the mother suffers still. Use words like forgiveness, healing and reconciliation when talking about it. You may never know how you will minister to a woman's heart though unaware of it. Encourage your church to start post abortion healing groups and share this information with your pastor and congregation. You don't have to be post abortive to start a ministry like this.

Post Abortion Help: If you are a woman who has had an abortion recently or in the distant past, there are a multitude of resources for you. The article may have stirred your feelings and that can be frightening. Don't bury those feelings. Run to Jesus. You may feel that silent suffering will make it go away, but what is buried will still find ways to rear its ugly head. Seek out post abortion Bible studies, recovery groups or a Christian counselor who specializes in this area. Most of all…know that your abortion will not separate you from the love of God, but running away will limit your opportunities to be whole again. Remember, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4

Internet and Print Resources for Healing:

Ramah International: www.ramahinternational.com

The Comforted: www.thecomforted.blogspot.com

Her Choice to Heal by Sydna Masse

Forgiven and Set Free by Linda Cochrane

Tracy lives in Hawaii with Richard, her husband of 25 years. She has two grown daughters, one grandson and works with Hawaii Right to Life to promote awareness of post abortion issues. Visit Tracy's Post-Abortion Healing blog The Comforted: http://thecomforted.blogspot.com. She also has a blog where she writes about all of the ways that God has taken the mess of her life and made it into something for His Glory: http://tracynunes.blogspot.com.